It’s my 6th column here on Phyrexian Games. For whatever reason, I started doing lists of 6. I didn’t really pick that number, it just happened.
For column number 6, let’s go a little higher. 6x6!
THE 36 WORST SPLIT CARD TITLES (WHEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT)
“I cast Alive” you say, and a Centaur trots up.
“Magic is weird” he says, and then you kiss.
The other half, Assault, is fine. It does 2 damage, which feels like an assault. (Certainly unlike Magma Spray, which does 2 damage despite any contact with actual magma realistically melting your face off).
However, Battery makes an Elephant.
That’s not what batteries do, you guys.
Instead of transcending genres even as you reinvent them, you draw a card when a creature enters play. I guess…?
Makes a creature deal damage equal to its power.
I’m having a hard time visualising what this looks like. I mean, I have blood. Lots of it. I never thought to weaponise it.
Destroys all the lands. You know, same as Armageddon.
Behold the power of boobs!
Stealing a corpse and forcing it to reanimate and work for you. I guess that’s a crime? Feels weird to call it a crime over literally calling it anything else.
Does twice the damage of EXPOSURE TO GODDAMN MAGMA!
Brings a creature back from graveyard to the battlefield. Literally the opposite of what Death means IN THE GAME!
I mean...does a very similar thing to Earthquake, but without the Quake. Guessing “Quake” is the part that damages players?
Draws you cards. From your Library. What exactly are you supposed to be feeding on? I mean, I don’t know what Planeswalkers eat. Maybe it’s books?
The other half of Earth (which, BTW, makes the whole card title “Heaven to Earth”, which has never ever been a phrase ever).
Heaven kills flying creatures.
I don’t understand what Heaven is, but I don’t think it’s a lot like an angel-killing Hurricane clone.
Like Fling, but you’re flinging an opponent’s thing into him. The idea of a Planeswalker doing the “Stop Hitting Yourself” routine with large unwieldy beings is kinda funny, but it just doesn’t work.
Stops damage from being prevented. That’s pretty solid for making someone feel bad with mean words.
“Your Mom’s no good” said Borkulon the Infinite, and Jace’s Circles of Protection vanished. Borkulon’s Insult was just too powerful.
Creates a 3/3 Hippo.
“I cast Mouth” and a hippo appears.
The spell is called Mouth.
“She got Never’d”
“Oh man, I hate getting Never’d!”
Gives everything -2/-2. Plagues in Magic tend to give -1/-1, so Rags are twice as effective as a plague. Guessing the rags are plague-infested? And people are wearing 2x the usual amount of rags?
Makes things Indestructible. That’s cool, but I kinda need some magical help. Like if I see a car coming, no matter how ready I am, I’m still dead if it runs over me.
Makes opponents sacrifice a bunch of permanents. That’s like when you get fired from your job, but they say “We’re letting you go”. Plus, I think releasing things to the graveyard is just murder.
Adding cards to your deck from outside the game is traditionally known as “cheating”, but hey, you can call it “research” if you want.
Exiles a card from the Graveyard. You know, the opposite of a return.
You do get a zombie though. It’s very Monkey’s Paw/Pet Sematery
Here’s a list of cards that do a similar thing to Ribbons:
Feast of Flesh
Tendrils of Corruption
Touch of Death
Add to that list...Ribbons.
Your opponents all choose a creature to give you. Yay, but who exactly is getting these riches? I don’t see a lot of money changing hands here.
An Earthquake for 2. (Sorry....Earth for 2). This kills most humans. There might be a thousand words better than...rough.
This just makes me hungry for terrible cheeseburgers. Thanks a lot, 30 years of McDonald’s commercials!
Reduces power by a lot for a single creature. Goes 1 better than Shrink. I imagine a giant monster coming in for an attack, and being negated by the sweet moves of a fly dance crew. “Ruric Thar, you got Served!”
Destroys all the Equipment and Auras. I guess that’s simple.
Prevents 2 damage. Because that’s what standing does. It prevents 2 damage.
Go ahead, stand on an active volcano. You’ll be protected from all that 2-damage magma flying around!
Makes humans. If you’re having a contest to see who’s the most fertile, this would be a good start. Otherwise, most starts don’t create people.
Destroys a land. Most cards that destroy a single land have a vague nod to a large, uncontested weather event. Who knew you could achieve the same goal by just making somebody’s life suck?
I’m hoping you wanted me to supply Saprolings. Otherwise, prepare to be disappointed.
Destroys an enchantment. By tearing it. You know, those ethereal and conceptual things that don’t often have physical characteristics?
Deals damage to a player equal to the number of cards in their hand. Right up there with Storm Seeker and Sudden Impact, now we add to that list being caught eating too many cookies.
6 damage to all flyers. Who knew that a machine that dries clothes could KILL MOST DRAGONS?
Gives +2/+2. Because infusing your creature with the power of a candle will make it somewhat larger and able to take more damage.
Actually I think there’s a Simpsons episode that confirms this.
I saw The Ring, and at no point did the well heal anybody.
Everything gets Deathtouch and Lifelink.
I’m so tired...