It’s my 6th column here on Phyrexian Games. For whatever reason, I started doing lists of 6. I didn’t really pick that number, it just happened.

For column number 6, let’s go a little higher. 6x6!


THE 36 WORST SPLIT CARD TITLES (WHEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT)


ALIVE
“I cast Alive” you say, and a Centaur trots up.

“Magic is weird” he says, and then you kiss.


BATTERY
The other half, Assault, is fine. It does 2 damage, which feels like an assault. (Certainly unlike Magma Spray, which does 2 damage despite any contact with actual magma realistically melting your face off).

However, Battery makes an Elephant.

Battery.

That’s not what batteries do, you guys.


BECK
Instead of transcending genres even as you reinvent them, you draw a card when a creature enters play.  I guess…?


BLOOD
Makes a creature deal damage equal to its power.

I’m having a hard time visualising what this looks like. I mean, I have blood. Lots of it. I never thought to weaponise it.


BUST
Destroys all the lands. You know, same as Armageddon.

Behold the power of boobs!


CRIME
Stealing a corpse and forcing it to reanimate and work for you. I guess that’s a crime? Feels weird to call it a crime over literally calling it anything else.


CUT
Does twice the damage of EXPOSURE TO GODDAMN MAGMA!


DEATH
Brings a creature back from graveyard to the battlefield. Literally the opposite of what Death means IN THE GAME!


EARTH
I mean...does a very similar thing to Earthquake, but without the Quake. Guessing “Quake” is the part that damages players?


FEED
Draws you cards. From your Library. What exactly are you supposed to be feeding on? I mean, I don’t know what Planeswalkers eat. Maybe it’s books?


HEAVEN
The other half of Earth (which, BTW, makes the whole card title “Heaven to Earth”, which has never ever been a phrase ever).

Heaven kills flying creatures.

Like Angels.

I don’t understand what Heaven is, but I don’t think it’s a lot like an angel-killing Hurricane clone.


HIT
Like Fling, but you’re flinging an opponent’s thing into him. The idea of a Planeswalker doing the “Stop Hitting Yourself” routine with large unwieldy beings is kinda funny, but it just doesn’t work.


INSULT
Stops damage from being prevented. That’s pretty solid for making someone feel bad with mean words.

“Your Mom’s no good” said Borkulon the Infinite, and Jace’s Circles of Protection vanished. Borkulon’s Insult was just too powerful.


MOUTH
Creates a 3/3 Hippo.

“I cast Mouth” and a hippo appears.

The spell is called Mouth.

Mouth.


NEVER
“Where’s Chandra?”

“She got Never’d”

“Oh man, I hate getting Never’d!”


RAGS
Gives everything -2/-2. Plagues in Magic tend to give -1/-1, so Rags are twice as effective as a plague. Guessing the rags are plague-infested? And people are wearing 2x the usual amount of rags?


READY
Makes things Indestructible. That’s cool, but I kinda need some magical help. Like if I see a car coming, no matter how ready I am, I’m still dead if it runs over me.


RELEASE
Makes opponents sacrifice a bunch of permanents. That’s like when you get fired from your job, but they say “We’re letting you go”. Plus, I think releasing things to the graveyard is just murder.


RESEARCH
Adding cards to your deck from outside the game is traditionally known as “cheating”, but hey, you can call it “research” if you want.


RETURN
Exiles a card from the Graveyard. You know, the opposite of a return.

You do get a zombie though. It’s very Monkey’s Paw/Pet Sematery


RIBBONS

Ribbons.

Seriously.

Here’s a list of cards that do a similar thing to Ribbons:

Consume Spirit

Death Grasp

Drain Life

Feast of Flesh

Soul Burn

Tendrils of Corruption

Touch of Death


Add to that list...Ribbons.

Wheeeeeeee!


RICHES
Your opponents all choose a creature to give you. Yay, but who exactly is getting these riches? I don’t see a lot of money changing hands here.


ROUGH
An Earthquake for 2. (Sorry....Earth for 2). This kills most humans. There might be a thousand words better than...rough.


RUBBLE
This just makes me hungry for terrible cheeseburgers. Thanks a lot, 30 years of McDonald’s commercials!


SERVE
Reduces power by a lot for a single creature. Goes 1 better than Shrink. I imagine a giant monster coming in for an attack, and being negated by the sweet moves of a fly dance crew. “Ruric Thar, you got Served!”


SIMPLE
Destroys all the Equipment and Auras. I guess that’s simple.


STAND
Prevents 2 damage. Because that’s what standing does. It prevents 2 damage.

Go ahead, stand on an active volcano. You’ll be protected from all that 2-damage magma flying around!


START
Makes humans. If you’re having a contest to see who’s the most fertile, this would be a good start. Otherwise, most starts don’t create people.


SUFFERING
Destroys a land. Most cards that destroy a single land have a vague nod to a large, uncontested weather event. Who knew you could achieve the same goal by just making somebody’s life suck?


SUPPLY
I’m hoping you wanted me to supply Saprolings. Otherwise, prepare to be disappointed.


TEAR
Destroys an enchantment. By tearing it. You know, those ethereal and conceptual things that don’t often have physical characteristics?


TROUBLE
Deals damage to a player equal to the number of cards in their hand. Right up there with Storm Seeker and Sudden Impact, now we add to that list being caught eating too many cookies.


TUMBLE
6 damage to all flyers. Who knew that a machine that dries clothes could KILL MOST DRAGONS?


WAX
Gives +2/+2. Because infusing your creature with the power of a candle will make it somewhat larger and able to take more damage.

Actually I think there’s a Simpsons episode that confirms this.


WELL
I saw The Ring, and at no point did the well heal anybody.


WILLING

Everything gets Deathtouch and Lifelink.


I...

I’m so tired...